Showing posts with label Emotional Infidelity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotional Infidelity. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Addiction or Habit?

DISGRACED pastor Michael Guglielmucci has finally told of fabricating a terminal cancer battle to hide his 16-year obsession with pornography.



Such a story as this is unbelievable. Two things. First, that anyone can pull such a scam on such a large group of people. Even more surprisingly, that the man pulling the scam was an ordained minister, and that he pulled the scam on his church, and on the public. Second, just sadly disappointing that the scam was pulled supposedly to cover up such a shameful thing as "addiction" to pornography.

With all of the hoopla currently surrounding the Democratic National Convention in Denver (something I affectionately refer to as Obamafest), it would be understandable if you had missed this story. This, the biggest church scandal since the revelation of so many pedophile priests in the Catholic church.

Pastor Michael Guglielmucci of Edge Church International, over the past two years, has claimed to be battling cancer. With an outpouring of love and support from friends, family, loved ones, and his church, he has been in the fight of his life. He even wrote quite an inspirational worship song that he claims was inspired by his disease and his God.

Read more below the video.



Direct video link.


It has only recently come out that Michael Guglielmucci's cancer has been a ruse all along. The story was broken by Australia's AdelaideNow, and Michael Guglielmucci has told AdelaideNow that he faked the cancer to cover up his real disease, "addiction" to pornography. He claims that his "addiction" has been so controlling as to make him physically ill, to include (among other symptoms) vomiting and loss of hair.

I won't rehash the whole story here. You can learn more by following the links above. I am merely writing to voice my own opinions on the situation, and on pornography "addiction."

First, I think it is shameful that someone respected and looked up to by his church could create such deception. It is not my place to judge Michael Guglielmucci, but as the father of a little girl, it's difficult not to do so. I say that because I find myself increasingly concerned that some day my own daughter could be victimized by someone who preys on young innocents because they are "addicted" to some form of sexual deviance or another. Whether they be pedophiles, porn addicts, or otherwise, the world seems to be more and more crowded with this type of undesirable.

As a Christian, I want to be able to obey the Lord, avoid judging, and encourage forgiveness. Those things are difficult to do when someone victimizes so many people for something that I feel he should have been able to control.

Yes, I mean to say that I believe Michael Guglielmucci could have controlled his so-called "addiction" to pornography. I'm no psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other type of expert on the topic. I have no special training or certifications on the subject. I am, simply, a man. As a man with access to the Internet, where pornography is easier to find than it is to avoid, it is no one's responsibility but my own to avoid such inappropriate content.

I'm no superhero, and no better than the next guy. I simply love my God, my wife, and my children. I would never want to do anything to hurt any of them. I know that if I was engaged in viewing pornography on the Internet (or anywhere else, for that matter), and my wife discovered it, she would be devastated. She would feel victimized and violated by the man who professes to love her with all that he is. While my daughter is not yet of an age to understand what pornography is, any impact that such behavior might have on my marriage would affect her. And the last thing I want to teach my son is that it's okay to exploit women in such a way as pornography does. I want my son to learn respect, not exploitation.

Worse, actually, than all of what I mention in the paragraph above, I have seen how my wife has been affected by her own father's lack of self-control. Not that I can say he's ever looked at pornography (meaning nudity), but he's one of those men who hangs girlie calendars from car magazines in his garage, stops flipping through television channels whenever he spots something that looks like it might be an attractive woman (seemingly without regard to her age), and can't go out in public without whiplashing himself at every woman that walks by. In fact, one Christmas he gave me a copy of a "gentleman's" magazine as a joke. I don't know what ever came of that magazine (or was it a calendar?), because I left it in his living room without even a second look, and made my disappointment quite clear. I know, that sounds terribly judgmental, but it is more a statement of fact than judgment. And all of these habits of his have had an impact on how my wife views herself and the opinion she has of men in general.

My very beautiful, wonderful wife, I might add, who is also a great mother and a devoted Christian woman.

I do not believe that the habit of viewing pornography can be appropriately labeled as "addiction." Even though my own Pastor has taught several times on the topic and has described people he has worked with who have been addicted to pornography, I am inclined to disagree with him. I do not believe that pornography is an addictive thing. Allow me to explain.

Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and even food all have chemicals in them that we can find ourselves addicted to if we partake of them in excess. These can all be harmful addictions. Physical addictions (in the case of tobacco, even psychological addictions -- I know, I was there myself ten years ago). Pornography, on the other hand, is different. I will admit the fact that viewing pornography might possibly cause the body to release chemicals into the brain that can cause a very similar reaction to that of alcohol, nicotine, or drugs. I will admit that those chemicals might even be addictive. However, I do not believe that it is pornography that Michael Guglielmucci was addicted to (again, trying not to be judgmental is difficult). I believe he may very well have been addicted to the chemicals that his body produced when he viewed pornography, but (and again, not being medically trained beyond basic CPR twenty years ago) I do not believe that those chemicals are created only by viewing pornography.

For example, adrenaline is created in our body by numerous forms of stimulus. Possibly, it is a chemical very similar to adrenaline that is created by the body and released into the blood stream when a person views pornography. Just like riding a roller coaster, the thrill-seeker keeps going back for more of this natural stimulant (adrenaline, or whatever it actually is). He might very well be addicted to the stimulant, but I personally don't believe he's addicted to pornography. Can't that stimulant be obtained or produced through other means? Say, roller coaster riding, or mountain climbing, or going to a stock car race. Maybe, maybe not. I think more likely than not.

If a person finds himself (or, for that matter, herself) stimulated by viewing pornography, and really wishes to stop, why can't he or she seek other avenues of coming about thrills in a more acceptable manner? Why? Maybe because it's just too easy to sit alone on the Internet and search for free pornography. Easy, that is, until someone finds out. And someone always does.

I don't consider it acceptable for we as a society to label every undesirable habit that comes along as addiction just because we don't have the conviction or determination to break these bad habits. I once was both physically and psychologically addicted to smoking. Physically addicted to nicotine, and psychologically addicted to the need to smoke a cigarette. The very act of lighting up, holding the cigarette between my fingers, and blowing the smoke out of my lungs was sometimes heavenly. Seriously. If you're a smoker, you probably understand.

For eight years in the Army I tried many methods to kick the cigarette habit, failing miserably every time. I started smoking when cigarettes were 85 cents a pack. I quit when they neared the three dollar mark. I quit because I knew it was an expensive habit that was killing me. I quit because there were people that I felt might consider the habit dirty, and I would be ashamed of my habit if they found out. When I discovered that I had reasons inside me to quit, and knowing that so many methods had failed me in the past, I devised a method to quit. I'll be happy to share that with anyone who who asks.

I devised a plan that would slowly taper off the amount of nicotine in my system while I struggled with kicking the psychological need to light up. As the nicotine level in my body declined, so did my body's need for the drug. My own determination to put an end to the nasty habit was all it took to kick the psychological addiction. I realized that I had never wanted freedom from smoking so much until then. My smoking plan required that I smoke just one cigarette on the last day of the plan, and I had to force myself to light up. I haven't had even the faintest desire -- physically or psychologically -- to return to the nasty habit since then.

In my mind, "addiction" to pornography is very much like addiction to nicotine. Granted, the physical addiction is to a different chemical, and the delivery method is different. But those are the two major differences between the two habits. I firmly believe that someone who identifies the harmful nature of the habit and has a true desire to overcome it can do so. Whether we're talking about smoking or pornography, the "addiction" is merely the habit of choice. We can train our bodies to not need the chemical if we understand in our minds that we don't need to light up -- or click, in the case of pornography.

I am interested in hearing your input. Have you suffered from "addiction" to pornography? Have you kicked the habit, or are you struggling now to do so? Tell me your story. You can leave the name field blank, or enter an alias if you wish. If you review past articles, you'll see that I always post comments submitted through this form as Anonymous. Your secret is safe with me, and I promise to pray for you and try not to judge you. In fact, if you just need to vent and prefer your comments not be shared, just let me know, and I'll withhold them from publication.

Of, if you just think I'm full of it and don't know what I'm talking about, tell me that, too. Just click the link below.

Your comments?

Joe


Sunday, July 20, 2008

Book Review: Emotional Infidelity by M. Gary Neuman

Book ReviewOver the past two weeks or so, I've been reading M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity, and blogging it in the same style as I did Rudy Giuliani's Leadership. Last night, after finishing chapter two in the book, I decided it was time to find something else to read.

I am mostly a reader of fiction, and occasionally some political or historical non-fiction. I don't often read self-help style books. My wife and I purchased Emotional Infidelity several years ago, and after I finished reading my last book, I decided to try a change of pace while I look for something else compelling to read. It is for that reason that I decided to give Neuman's book a try.

As I read through the first two chapters of the book, I read about many sound principles that can be implemented in any marriage to help make it stronger. What I didn't read, however, was anything that was new to me. Granted, maybe I needed to read a little further into the book to get to the good stuff, but how long is a reader expected to give an author to sink the hook? Two chapters -- nearly a hundred pages -- is more than long enough, if you ask me.

I'll concede the fact that this book might be golden for couples that are having marital problems. That is, if you could get them to sit down and read it together, but it seems to me that one of the first causes to marital problems is the failure to engage in open discussion with each other, and if you can't talk about your marriage, how likely are you to actually read this book together?

For me, the book was just more of what I already know (whether I actually practice it all or not is another story). I'll be hitting the book stores today looking for some compelling fiction, most likely, while I wait for Ted Dekker's next work, Sinner, to come out in September. As for those with marital problems, maybe they should consider seeing a counselor.

For all my posts on this book, click here.

Your comments?

Joe


Saturday, July 19, 2008

Secrets to A Great Marriage

Secrets to A Great Marriage, from M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity
Same-Gender Friendships
  • You can undermine your marriage by focusing on same-gender friendships instead of your spouse.
  • Sharing with our spouse is the lifeblood of marriage. Without it, there are no ingredients to mix.
  • We have to be careful not to share so much with family and same-gender friends that there's nothing left over for our partners.
So far, this might sound like the author believes we shouldn't have any friends, regardless of their gender. I don't think that's what he's getting at. I do believe that we need to be very cautious of friendships with members of the opposite gender, particularly those who might be our friend but not our spouse's friend. Many, many relationships begin as friendships between two people of opposite genders. Rather than trying to make sure that you don't let it go too far, I think it best to draw the line long before the relationship even reaches the stage of friendship.

As for same-gender friendships, all guys need their buddies, and all women need their girlfriends. I don't dispute that. And I don't think that it becomes a problem until "guys night out" becomes such a ritual that it takes precedence over all else. Or the first person you call to share news of your promotion, new backyard grille, or the cool car show coming to town is your buddy instead of your wife. When you reach the point that you spend more time sharing with your buddies than with your spouse, or call them first with important personal news, then same-gender friendships have gone too far.

What might be healthiest is for married couples to befriend other married couples -- preferably committed and devoted married couples -- and to spend their buddy time together as a group. I imagine we'll hear more of that from the author in upcoming chapters.

Your comments?

Joe


Friday, July 18, 2008

More Great Marriage Tips from M. Gary Neuman

Secrets to A Great Marriage, from M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity
Rule 8: Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Gender
  • If you ever need a polite excuse for avoiding a kiss or dance, explain that you have a cold and fear it's contagious.**
Rule 9: Don't Drink Around the Opposite Gender
  • Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your marriage at a later time.
  • If you're at a party and really want to join in the festivities, plant yourself next to your spouse.
Rule 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily
  • Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day.
  • Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you.
  • Have lots of photos of your spouse, kids, and pets around the office as a visual reminder to you and others of your priorities.
** I cannot say that I condone of this method. I do not think that it's right in any situation to encourage dishonesty. First, being dishonest in such a way as the author recommends might encourage the person to try again in the future, only leading to more dishonesty to duck out then. What a tangled web we weave.... Instead, I think in this case, as in all others, honesty is indeed the best policy. If I found myself in this situation (which would mean I have already failed, as I should do everything to avoid the situation in the first place), I would simply say, "I'm sorry, this dance is saved for my wife." That might even draw a, "Maybe next time" response, to which I would smile and say, "Sorry," while just shaking my head in disagreement. There is no reason I can think of not to openly tell a person that you only engage in such close physical contact with your spouse. After all, if what we want is to get the message out that we are devoted and committed to our spouses, why not be completely open about it at all times?

Your comments?

Joe


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Secrets To A Great Marriage

M. Gary Neuman's Secrets To A Great Marriage

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity
Rule 5: Avoid Consistency in the [workplace] Relationship
  • What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you're developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue.
Rule 6: Don't Share Your Personal Feelings
  • When you find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite gender, share little of your personal experience or feelings.
  • If you feel the need to share a feeling, tell your spouse that night instead.
Rule 7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself
  • Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction.
  • Consider honestly why you're looking forward to the next time you meet up again.
  • Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away.
  • Perhaps you feel you're missing a certain something.
  • Put your energies into finding it with your spouse.
  • After years of marriage, it's hard to be in awe of your spouse or suspect that your mate has some incredible talent that he or she has never shown you. Sometimes we have to realize what relationships can and cannot do for us.
What Are You Missing?

When you find yourself enjoying conversations with someone of the opposite gender, ask yourself:
  • What am I receiving from this relationship?
  • How can I receive the same thing from my marriage?
  • How can I fulfill this need outside my marriage safely.
When I first met my spouse, she was my employee. I had given up, for the time being, of even pursuing a relationship, and it was totally unexpected. But somehow everything just clicked between us, and before long she resigned her position because we wanted to pursue a relationship that we couldn't pursue as employee/supervisor.

It can be that simple for something to happen in the workplace, if you don't remain constantly aware and alert to the possible repercussions of your actions. Now, my wife and I are happily married, and [you could probably say that I work for her now], while I've changed companies, I'm still doing the same kind of work, and exercise every caution to prevent any appearance of a repeat of the way my wife and I met.

I'll share some of my methods with you in a future post.

Your comments?

Joe


Sunday, July 13, 2008

M. Gary Newuman's Great Marriage Tips

M. Gary Neuman's Great Marriage Tips

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity
Rule 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Gender Outside of the Workplace
  • If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out.
  • When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. Celebrate with your spouse at home instead.
  • Congratulate everyone on a job well done, but make it clear where your attention and allegiance lie by explaining that you have a date with your spouse.
Rule 3: Meet in Groups
  • When meeting with members of the opposite gender, try to avoid meeting alone.
Rule 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations
  • Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely.
As innocent as it might seem, even just standing around at work talking about the weekend can lead to more relaxed conversation than a committed married person should be having with someone of the opposite gender. What might start off as an innocent discussion about a movie you watched, or your favorite television show, or even politics, might lead to the discovery of something you have in common -- possibly something that your spouse doesn't share an interest in. Suddenly, when you want to talk about this topic, rather than thinking of your spouse who isn't really interested in it, you think of this opposite gender co-worker who shared your passion for the topic. You may seek that person out to share that passion, and that passion can easily spread to other areas. Areas that must be reserved for your spouse. So innocence at the beginning can too easily blossom into a tragic mistake if not avoided altogether.

Your comments?

Joe


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Making Your Marriage Great

Marriage tips from M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity.

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity:
Rule 1: Keep it all business at the office
  • Keep conversations that aren't strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.
  • By not being an overly chummy or talkative coworker, you may come across as a not very sensitive person. Some coworkers may even think you're a bit self-involved. But this is a good impression to make. It means the opposite gender coworkers will feel uncomfortable running to you when they have a problem or question.
  • Appear quite busy: have an appointment, have a great deal of work to finish up, be meeting your wife for dinner.
  • Avoid those trendy "team building" activities that take place outside of work hours. Businesses would better serve their employees by allowing such "team building" events to include family members or by offering intellectual and insightful seminars where people can develop a feeling of teamwork through learning together.
As a Retail Store Manager, I have always had my own rule that I never open or close for the day with an opposite gender employee. Not so much to keep from putting myself into a situation where I could get myself into trouble, but rather to prevent any appearance that such a thing could happen and to prevent an employee (who might at some later point feel slighted) from manufacturing an untruth about a time when we would have opened or closed together in order to cause trouble for me out of revenge. There are entirely too many things that don't actually have to happen, but only need be alleged to have happened, to cause trouble both in the workplace and in the marriage. I always have a same gender employee open or close with me to remain above reproach at all times.

Your comments?

Joe

Friday, July 11, 2008

Making A Great Marriage

Great Marriage Tips, from M. Gary Neuman.

Secret #1: Commitment is the glue of marriage. Insulate and protect your marriage against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite gender.
Fidelity Facts
  • Many couples have already lost their joy and romance when they stop placing energy into keeping their marriage wonderful and focus instead on caring for the children and making enough money to raise a family.
  • The first step in developing a happy marriage is to close our peripheral vision to others so that we can be fully focused on our mate.
The "Love Nuptial"
  • Marriage is about immediate and effective change through the growth of giving your whole self to another and receiving the same in return.
  • Everything must change: our emotional, physical, and financial selves must service a new kingdom, the one of marital union.
  • If we could ever go back to the way we were before marriage, then we never knew the genuine meaning of marriage.
Where competition fails.
  • If you develop a relationship with a member of the opposite gender ... you begin to judge your spouse based on what you see in your relationships with these other people.
  • Don't underestimate the importance to any marriage of befriending happily married couples who are openly warm to each other.


Your comments?

Joe


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Tips On Making A Great Marriage

Tips on making a great marriage, from M. Gary Neuman: an Introduction

As I read through Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity, I'll periodically share notes with you here from the book. At the end, of course, I'll consolidate all of the notes into one final review.

Marriage is the single most important institution a person can enter into. Unfortunately, it is frequently taken very lightly by those who venture in. While many of us may consider our marriages to be good or even great, I'll bet there isn't one of us out there who couldn't benefit from some of the tips in Neuman's book.

Communication is not the problem
  • Do you allow too much emotional energy to be spent outside your marriage?
  • Do you neglect to make the time for your marriage or intimacy, preventing you from growing together?
  • Did you lose focus on your marriage when your children were born?

You know more than you think
  • If you keep trying the same thing, you're not trying. Trying the same thing over and over hundreds of times doesn't constitute trying hundreds of times. If something isn't working, by all means try something else. If you've been trying to send the same message to your spouse over and over again, stop it.


Your comments?

Joe


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