Book Review: Emotional Infidelity by M. Gary Neuman

Over the past two weeks or so, I've been reading M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity, and blogging it in the same style as I did Rudy Giuliani's Leadership. Last night, after finishing chapter two in the book, I decided it was time to find something else to read.

I am mostly a reader of fiction, and occasionally some political or historical non-fiction. I don't often read self-help style books. My wife and I purchased Emotional Infidelity several years ago, and after I finished reading my last book, I decided to try a change of pace while I look for something else compelling to read. It is for that reason that I decided to give Neuman's book a try.

As I read through the first two chapters of the book, I read about many sound principles that can be implemented in any marriage to help make it stronger. What I didn't read, however, was anything that was new to me. Granted, maybe I needed to read a little further into the book to get to the good stuff, but how long is a reader expected to give an author to sink the hook? Two chapters -- nearly a hundred pages -- is more than long enough, if you ask me.

I'll concede the fact that this book might be golden for couples that are having marital problems. That is, if you could get them to sit down and read it together, but it seems to me that one of the first causes to marital problems is the failure to engage in open discussion with each other, and if you can't talk about your marriage, how likely are you to actually read this book together?

For me, the book was just more of what I already know (whether I actually practice it all or not is another story). I'll be hitting the book stores today looking for some compelling fiction, most likely, while I wait for Ted Dekker's next work, Sinner, to come out in September. As for those with marital problems, maybe they should consider seeing a counselor.

For all my posts on this book, click here.

Your comments?

Joe

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Secrets to A Great Marriage

Secrets to A Great Marriage, from M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity

Same-Gender Friendships

• You can undermine your marriage by focusing on same-gender friendships instead of your spouse.
• Sharing with our spouse is the lifeblood of marriage. Without it, there are no ingredients to mix.
• We have to be careful not to share so much with family and same-gender friends that there's nothing left over for our partners.

So far, this might sound like the author believes we shouldn't have any friends, regardless of their gender. I don't think that's what he's getting at. I do believe that we need to be very cautious of friendships with members of the opposite gender, particularly those who might be our friend but not our spouse's friend. Many, many relationships begin as friendships between two people of opposite genders. Rather than trying to make sure that you don't let it go too far, I think it best to draw the line long before the relationship even reaches the stage of friendship.

As for same-gender friendships, all guys need their buddies, and all women need their girlfriends. I don't dispute that. And I don't think that it becomes a problem until "guys night out" becomes such a ritual that it takes precedence over all else. Or the first person you call to share news of your promotion, new backyard grille, or the cool car show coming to town is your buddy instead of your wife. When you reach the point that you spend more time sharing with your buddies than with your spouse, or call them first with important personal news, then same-gender friendships have gone too far.

What might be healthiest is for married couples to befriend other married couples -- preferably committed and devoted married couples -- and to spend their buddy time together as a group. I imagine we'll hear more of that from the author in upcoming chapters.

Your comments?

Joe

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More Great Marriage Tips from M. Gary Neuman

Secrets to A Great Marriage, from M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

Rule 8: Avoid Cordial Kisses and Hugs, or Dancing with Members of the Opposite Gender

• If you ever need a polite excuse for avoiding a kiss or dance, explain that you have a cold and fear it's contagious.**

Rule 9: Don't Drink Around the Opposite Gender

• Even a single glass of wine or shot of scotch is enough to relax you and lead to a more personal conversation that may be damaging to your marriage at a later time.
• If you're at a party and really want to join in the festivities, plant yourself next to your spouse.

Rule 10: Show Your Commitment to Your Spouse Daily

• Do something thoughtful for your spouse every single day.
• Doing something for your spouse reminds you throughout the day how special this person is to you.
• Have lots of photos of your spouse, kids, and pets around the office as a visual reminder to you and others of your priorities.

** I cannot say that I condone of this method. I do not think that it's right in any situation to encourage dishonesty. First, being dishonest in such a way as the author recommends might encourage the person to try again in the future, only leading to more dishonesty to duck out then. What a tangled web we weave.... Instead, I think in this case, as in all others, honesty is indeed the best policy. If I found myself in this situation (which would mean I have already failed, as I should do everything to avoid the situation in the first place), I would simply say, "I'm sorry, this dance is saved for my wife." That might even draw a, "Maybe next time" response, to which I would smile and say, "Sorry," while just shaking my head in disagreement. There is no reason I can think of not to openly tell a person that you only engage in such close physical contact with your spouse. After all, if what we want is to get the message out that we are devoted and committed to our spouses, why not be completely open about it at all times?

Your comments?

Joe

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Secrets To A Great Marriage

M. Gary Neuman's Secrets To A Great Marriage

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

Rule 5: Avoid Consistency in the [workplace] Relationship

• What you want to avoid are regular, ongoing personal conversations in which you're developing themes, favorite topics, or a continuing dialogue.

Rule 6: Don't Share Your Personal Feelings

• When you find yourself engaged in conversation with a member of the opposite gender, share little of your personal experience or feelings.
• If you feel the need to share a feeling, tell your spouse that night instead.

Rule 7: Be Unflinchingly Honest with Yourself

• Be aware of whether you are ever feeling the slightest twinge of intimacy or attraction.
• Consider honestly why you're looking forward to the next time you meet up again.
• Be truthful if you have a little bounce in your step as you walk away.
• Perhaps you feel you're missing a certain something.
• Put your energies into finding it with your spouse.
• After years of marriage, it's hard to be in awe of your spouse or suspect that your mate has some incredible talent that he or she has never shown you. Sometimes we have to realize what relationships can and cannot do for us.

What Are You Missing?

When you find yourself enjoying conversations with someone of the opposite gender, ask yourself:

• What am I receiving from this relationship?
• How can I receive the same thing from my marriage?
• How can I fulfill this need outside my marriage safely.

When I first met my spouse, she was my employee. I had given up, for the time being, of even pursuing a relationship, and it was totally unexpected. But somehow everything just clicked between us, and before long she resigned her position because we wanted to pursue a relationship that we couldn't pursue as employee/supervisor.

It can be that simple for something to happen in the workplace, if you don't remain constantly aware and alert to the possible repercussions of your actions. Now, my wife and I are happily married, and [you could probably say that I work for her now], while I've changed companies, I'm still doing the same kind of work, and exercise every caution to prevent any appearance of a repeat of the way my wife and I met.

I'll share some of my methods with you in a future post.

Your comments?

Joe

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M. Gary Newuman's Great Marriage Tips

M. Gary Neuman's Great Marriage Tips

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity

Rule 2: Avoid Meetings with Members of the Opposite Gender Outside of the Workplace

• If you have to work together through lunch or dinner, order food into the office rather than go out.
• When you do finish a project, avoid the celebratory coffee, drinks, or dinner. Celebrate with your spouse at home instead.
• Congratulate everyone on a job well done, but make it clear where your attention and allegiance lie by explaining that you have a date with your spouse.

Rule 3: Meet in Groups

• When meeting with members of the opposite gender, try to avoid meeting alone.

Rule 4: Find Polite Ways of Ending Personal Conversations

• Learn to bow out gracefully from conversations that you feel are too intimate for comfort. If you feel someone is sharing personal information that is likely to draw you into a more intimate relationship, end the conversation politely.

As innocent as it might seem, even just standing around at work talking about the weekend can lead to more relaxed conversation than a committed married person should be having with someone of the opposite gender. What might start off as an innocent discussion about a movie you watched, or your favorite television show, or even politics, might lead to the discovery of something you have in common -- possibly something that your spouse doesn't share an interest in. Suddenly, when you want to talk about this topic, rather than thinking of your spouse who isn't really interested in it, you think of this opposite gender co-worker who shared your passion for the topic. You may seek that person out to share that passion, and that passion can easily spread to other areas. Areas that must be reserved for your spouse. So innocence at the beginning can too easily blossom into a tragic mistake if not avoided altogether.

Your comments?

Joe

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Making Your Marriage Great

Marriage tips from M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity.

Ten Rules for Avoiding Emotional Infidelity:

Rule 1: Keep it all business at the office

• Keep conversations that aren't strictly related to business short and sweet. A person rarely talks to you for any length of time unless you hold up your end of the conversation.
• By not being an overly chummy or talkative coworker, you may come across as a not very sensitive person. Some coworkers may even think you're a bit self-involved. But this is a good impression to make. It means the opposite gender coworkers will feel uncomfortable running to you when they have a problem or question.
• Appear quite busy: have an appointment, have a great deal of work to finish up, be meeting your wife for dinner.
• Avoid those trendy "team building" activities that take place outside of work hours. Businesses would better serve their employees by allowing such "team building" events to include family members or by offering intellectual and insightful seminars where people can develop a feeling of teamwork through learning together.

As a Retail Store Manager, I have always had my own rule that I never open or close for the day with an opposite gender employee. Not so much to keep from putting myself into a situation where I could get myself into trouble, but rather to prevent any appearance that such a thing could happen and to prevent an employee (who might at some later point feel slighted) from manufacturing an untruth about a time when we would have opened or closed together in order to cause trouble for me out of revenge. There are entirely too many things that don't actually have to happen, but only need be alleged to have happened, to cause trouble both in the workplace and in the marriage. I always have a same gender employee open or close with me to remain above reproach at all times.

Your comments?

Joe

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Making A Great Marriage

Great Marriage Tips, from M. Gary Neuman.

Secret #1: Commitment is the glue of marriage. Insulate and protect your marriage against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite gender.

Fidelity Facts

• Many couples have already lost their joy and romance when they stop placing energy into keeping their marriage wonderful and focus instead on caring for the children and making enough money to raise a family.
• The first step in developing a happy marriage is to close our peripheral vision to others so that we can be fully focused on our mate.

The "Love Nuptial"

• Marriage is about immediate and effective change through the growth of giving your whole self to another and receiving the same in return.
• Everything must change: our emotional, physical, and financial selves must service a new kingdom, the one of marital union.
• If we could ever go back to the way we were before marriage, then we never knew the genuine meaning of marriage.

Where competition fails.

• If you develop a relationship with a member of the opposite gender ... you begin to judge your spouse based on what you see in your relationships with these other people.
• Don't underestimate the importance to any marriage of befriending happily married couples who are openly warm to each other.

Your comments?

Joe

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Tips On Making A Great Marriage

Tips on making a great marriage, from M. Gary Neuman: an Introduction

As I read through Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity, I'll periodically share notes with you here from the book. At the end, of course, I'll consolidate all of the notes into one final review.

Marriage is the single most important institution a person can enter into. Unfortunately, it is frequently taken very lightly by those who venture in. While many of us may consider our marriages to be good or even great, I'll bet there isn't one of us out there who couldn't benefit from some of the tips in Neuman's book.

Communication is not the problem

• Do you allow too much emotional energy to be spent outside your marriage?
• Do you neglect to make the time for your marriage or intimacy, preventing you from growing together?
• Did you lose focus on your marriage when your children were born?

You know more than you think

• If you keep trying the same thing, you're not trying. Trying the same thing over and over hundreds of times doesn't constitute trying hundreds of times. If something isn't working, by all means try something else. If you've been trying to send the same message to your spouse over and over again, stop it.

Your comments?

Joe

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