Who You Gonna Call?

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Obama Alien Defense -- A Fun Diversion!

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Joe

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The Government Can...

Kudos to Tim Hawkins for telling it like it is.


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Joe




Maddy's Cancer Battle

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Patriot Humor: ObamaCare

Can't see this email? Click Here. What could possibly go wrong with ObamaCare: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

To subscribe to Patriot Humor, click here. To submit humor items for our consideration, email us at Humor@PatriotPost.US

The Balloonist

Found this in The Patriot Post:

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

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Joe

Maddy's Cancer Battle

AJA Press

Video of the Day: Tim Hawkins Short Songs

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Joe




Maddy's Cancer Battle

AJA Press

Movie Reivew: Paul Blart Mall Cop

Paul Blart Mall Cop was released today on DVD and Blu-ray, and my wife and I have been looking forward to it. It isn't often that a movie comes out that actually makes me laugh out loud, but with Kevin James behind Paul Blart as creator and star, Mall Cop fulfills its promise to entertain.

Mall Cop isn't necessarily a movie intended for the entire family, as there is frequent use of mild profanity, but there was nothing else I could find of offense in the movie. About the first half of the movie is much like watching the Kevin James hit TV series, King of Queens, as Paul Blart is very much the same character as Doug Heffernan. At times during the first half of the movie, I found my mind wondering just a bit, or found myself not too disappointed when distracted by something my son would say or do. But about half way through the movie, when the action really kicked in and we get to see James playing the role of Paul Blart a la John McClane of Bruce Willis' Die Hard fame, I found myself engrossed.


Direct video link.

Imagine Die Hard meets Homer Simpson, and you'll get a pretty accurate picture of what Paul Blart lives through in his dedication to defend the people of his mall against the invading force of a band of Black Friday thugs out to steal thirty million dollars worth of the credit card transactions on the busiest shopping day of the year. And just like Homer Simpson, Paul Blart manages to pull through in the end.

While I don't recommend Paul Blart Mall Cop for the entire family, it is harmless and enjoyable fare for viewers over the age of twelve or thirteen. I haven't laughed so hard at a movie in I don't know how long.

Your comments?

Joe

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The Pork Flu

Hat tip to Patriot Post.

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Joe

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April Fools!

Google gets into the April Fools game every year, and often quite believably. How about this year?



Don't forget to check out ThinkGeek's April Fools jokes, as well.




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Joe

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A Picture Worth 800 Billion Words

Day By Day.

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Joe

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One More Clip of McCain in Indy

Senator McCain on ESPN After Yesterday's Indianapolis Rally

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Joe

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Weekend Video Roundup

Greg Zoeller for Indiana Attorney General

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SNL's Take on Keith Olbermann
If MSNBC replaced Olbermann with this guy, I might start watching Count Down.

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Obama's Civilian National Security Force

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Freedom
55 years of national service -- that's experience.

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Obama: Investing in Coal Will Bankrupt You

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McCain / "Palin" on SNL's Version of QVC
Saturday Night Live

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Barack Obama on Mount Rushmore
Why not, he's all but claimed victory already, anyway.

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Fight
Few Presidents in our history have been able to create the kind of pride and patriotism this video depicts. Only one candidate can do that for us over the next four years. John McCain.

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1984
It could be just two days away.

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Senator McCain on SNL's Weekend Update

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Stand Up And Fight
If this doesn't get your juices flowing, you just might be living in the wrong country.

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Gabrielle Campo for US Congress (Indiana's 7th District)

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Heritage Foundation Sets the Record Straight
Obama caught lying again, but then that shouldn't be a surprise.

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Obama's Spirituality Settled
Related videos here.

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The Governator for McCain
"John McCain has served this country longer in a POW camp than his opponent has served in the United States Senate."
"Ladies and Gentleman, I only play an action hero in my movies, but John McCain is a real action hero."

Direct video link.

Barack Obama: The Candidate of Change
What keeps changing is his tax plan. Just watch.

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Joe

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Comic Relief

It's nice to be able to laugh a little in this political season.

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Joe

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Comic Relief

To show that I can enjoy a good laugh, even at the expense of a President that I happen to support....

I'll miss this kind of humor next year.



Direct video link.



Direct video link.

It's nice to laugh at something because it's genuinely funny!

God Bless the President, George W. Bush.

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Joe

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Laughing Your Way To A Better Marriage

Some pretty clever stuff here.


Direct video link.


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Joe

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Going Down the Tubes

We went to Columbus, Indiana, after church today to a Kids Museum. My wife was so fed up with me, she gave me the royal flush.



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Joe

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40th Birthday Bash

This week I'll hit the big Four-O. Yesterday, my wife put together a birthday celebration for me. I constantly say that we don't need to have get-togethers for my birthday, but my wife's family gets together for every birthday, and to my wife it is very important to have everyone get together for my birthday, as well.

So the first part of the plan was to have her parents come into town on Saturday night to spend the night. They would have some time to play with the kids and visit, then go to church with us the next morning, then we'd have our little birthday get together.

My wife is very big into baking, mostly cakes and cupcakes, but generally anything. So she made this huge three-layer cake. It was unbelievably big and, in fact, a pretty large part of it is still in the freezer. I'll probably be eating cake for weeks.

I had to work Saturday morning, but only until about noon. When I came home at noon, my son was all excited about the birthday surprises they had planned for me. At one point he said, "Don't look in the oven," because there was a special surprise hidden there for me. We then went to the play room to set up the air mattress for the in-laws to sleep on. I was getting quite hungry and asked my son to ask his mother to put the pizza in the oven. He said, "You mean order the pizza?" I soon learned I should have taken his advice.

Several minutes later, my wife came running into the room, shouting, "I need you! I turned on the oven to preheat it and the kolachies were still in there and now they're all burning and the plastic plate is melting all over the oven!" I ran down the stairs to the rescue, deep into the terrible stench of melted plastic. I grabbed a pot holder and pulled the entire rack from the oven, with the smoldering kolachies on it, and sat it on the sink. I turned off the oven and stood back in shock.

It took some four hours to allow the oven to cool, chip out the majority of the plastic, then heat it back up and clean out the rest, as well as chip the plastic icicles off the oven rack (never should have let it cool completely). The stench of melted plastic never seemed to go away. My wife was devastated about the destroyed kolachies. She had made them for me before, but never from my grandmother's original recipe. Maybe I should explain kolachies.

As a kid, every year at Christmas my grandmother would make these amazing danish type snacks she called kolachies. She would make them for myself, my father, and my brother. We would each receive our own specially prepared cookie tin filled with kolachies, and we treasured them so much that we wouldn't share them with anyone. In fact, we would always joke about trying to eat each other's kolachies before eating our own. Not possible, as we all guarded our prize closely. Each year, to make them more special, I imagine, Gram (my grandmother) would tell us that they were so much work, and it got harder and harder for her every year, and that she just hadn't made any that year. Then, eventually, they would come out. My grandmother passed away a few years back, and the kolachies went with her. Except that my wife took it upon herself this year to get my grandmother's original recipe from my brother's wife. And this year, she made them as a special surprise for me.

So after getting the plastic all cleaned up, my wife said she wanted to make another batch of kolachies for me. She said it was important to her that I have the kolachies. I was concerned that first it would take too much time and be too much work for her, and I wanted her to be able to visit with her parents, and second that they would come out of the oven tasting like plastic. I suggested she bake something else as a test first before going to all the work of making the kolachies.

To make a long story short (if it's not already too late), the biscuits she made as a test product came out fine, and she proceeded to prepare a second batch of kolachies that tasted so incredibly like Gram's that it's almost too good to be true. She got up early the next morning to finish them before church, and also made homemade blueberry muffins for breakfast.

After church, I took the kids out to the backyard to play on their new Slip-n-Slide while my wife prepared the burgers, brats, hot dogs, cheddar dogs, and corn for the grille (some day I'll share the corn recipe, because there is nothing better than real Indiana sweet corn prepared just right on the grille). As the kids splashed and laughed in the backyard, my wife had her second surprise in the works. I turned around as someone came out the patio doors and was shocked to see my brother and sister who had driven in from Cincinnati. Quite an unexpected, pleasant surprise. I hadn't seen my sister since my daughter's birthday party in May, and hadn't seen my brother since just after we bought our house in December.

My wife, never one to settle, wasn't done yet. She found a recipe for Sonic's Cherry Limeade and made a big punch bowl full of it. If you haven't had it, it is an incredible drink.

After grilling and eating, she gathered everyone into one place in the living room for me to open gifts. There were mostly gift cards to various bookstores (including Amazon), which as you probably know is perfect, because I am quite an avid reader.

My in-laws gave me an electronic dart board, which my son and I have played together the past two nights. He's actually doing quite well at throwing the darts and making them stick into the board. Pretty incredible for a four year old. Tonight we had a darts tournament, then went out for "the grand prize," which was a four-flavor Icee at Speedway.

My wife sprung her last big surprise on me after all the other gifts were open. She gave me an envelope that felt a bit thick. I opened the envelope and was shocked to find a reservation for this Sunday for a Richard Petty Ride-Along at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway (yes, the Brickyard). This coming Sunday, I'll be racing around one of the most famous race tracks in the world in a stock car, all decked out in racing gear, and probably won't be able to stop talking about it for weeks (unless, of course, the experience kills me).

You know, I'm not normally big on having a celebration for my own birthday. Not that I want to stop the aging process, or anything. I just don't want to see everyone go to such trouble for me. Hey, it's gonna happen every year until the day that I die, so what's the big deal, right?

Well, this year my wife made it a big deal. She made it a very special day for me, and I know she went through a great deal of planning and work to make it all just right. And when the plastic kolachie tragedy struck, she didn't miss a beat.

Pretty awesome day, pretty awesome wife.

Your comments?

Joe

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A Humorous Look At A Serious Issue

I like this guy.



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Joe

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John McCain on Weekend Update

Joe

Woman Lived On Toilet for Years

Can you imagine this?

From the Indianapolis Star:

Boyfriend: Woman lived in bathroom

WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said. "She is an adult; she made her own decision," said her boyfriend, Kory McFarren. "I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it." The case drew nationwide attention after Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom. "We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it." McFarren, 36, said he can't be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because "time just went by so quick I can't pinpoint how long." He said beatings she received in her childhood caused her phobia. "It just kind of happened one day; she went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay - like it was a safe place for her," McFarren said. But McFarren said she moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He brought food and water to her. They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship - except it all happened in the bathroom. McFarren said he finally called police Feb. 27 after he became worried because Babcock was acting groggy - like she didn't know what was going on, except she was awake. What emergency responders found when they went into bathroom has left residents of this small western Kansas town buzzing, and law enforcement officials incredulous. Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said. "She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself." She initially refused emergency medical services, but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital. "She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said. Whipple said the county attorney will determine whether any charges should be filed against McFarren. McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together. He insisted that he tried to coax her out of the bathroom every day. "And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom." She was reported in fair condition Wednesday at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators. Babcock has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and there is a possibility she may wind up in a wheelchair, McFarren said. James Ellis, a neighbor, said he had known the woman since she was a child, but that he had not seen her for at least six years. "I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," Ellis said. Babcock had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up, he said. "It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round.

Joe