An Open Apology To My Wife

I've been a pretty bad guy, as husbands go. Oh, there are worse, of course (maybe not if you ask my wife), but I've been far worse than I ever intended to be.

You see, I lied. I have deceived my wife about some people that work in my store (I'm a Retail Manager). I have led her to believe that they are there much less often than they actually are, that they are never in the building when I am, and that they play very minor roles in the business.

In actuality, they are both full-time employees, and one is an Assistant Manager, and they are scheduled in the building sometimes when I am.

I did not lie for any real reason. There's nothing going on that a married man would need to cover up -- no relationship of any kind -- and there is no sane justification for my deception.

Quite simply, my wife would be (is) uncomfortable with me working around these people, and that's why I lied.

I guess I first lied to myself by thinking I could justify and carry on such deception. Then I committed the (hopefully not) unforgiveable sin of compromising my wife's trust in me by intentionally deceiving her. I told myself that I was sparing her the discomfort and preventing the inevitable arguments we would have had about it. I sacrificed what's important in the long run -- a happy, loving, trusting wife with a happy home life -- for what I thought was important now -- preventing small arguments.

That all probably sounds reasonable to a liar, and it did to me, too, for a while, but I'm here to say that there is never an acceptable reason to deceive the people you love. Thou shalt not lie, the Bible says. How about, Thou shalt not be a senseless, thoughtless fool.

To further complicate things, I did something similar before -- for the same foolish reasons -- and swore that I would never do it again. I kept my word, too, for a while.

Then I started a new job with a new company and was placed in a store two hours from home. When there were people here that I knew would create an uncomfortable situation, I worried. I knew that nothing inappropriate would happen, but I also knew that my beautiful wife would be uncomfortable about the situation and it could cause strains at home. So I downplayed the whole situation. And to add insult to injury, when my wife questioned me about it, I said, "You just need to trust me, I'm not lying to you." Another lie, but worse -- it made her feel like she was wrong to question me about it.

I struggled with this web of deceipt continuously, but you know what? It's not really about me, how I felt, or what I struggled with. I am totally unimportant right now.

It's all about the love of my life: the beautiful redhead, loving mother of two, intelligent and caring woman who stole my heart away eight years ago. It's all about the pain I caused her, and the trust I can only hope to regain someday. It's all about coming clean and being open with her. It's all about Why the heck did I do this to her, what was I thinking, and how in the world will I ever make it up to her?

I don't expect to fix the problem by voicing it here. This is really just a public atonement for this horrible sin I've committed against the woman I love. My only hope in sharing this here is that maybe my wife will see how sincerely sorry I am for what I did and how it hurt her. Maybe she'll see that I do understand that I've done wrong, that I know it hurt her, and that there is no describing how bad I feel for what I've done.

When I left the house for work this morning, my wife said, "I don't want to talk to you today. Don't call me." I wanted to cry. Even now I feel a terrible emptiness inside that only her voice can fill.

I deserve it. I deserve all of the anger and hate that she lashes out at me. I deserve the cold looks and the harsh words. I deserve so much more than that.

What I probably don't deserve is forgiveness. But I'm praying for it anyway. Not just forgiveness from God for the sin of lying, but also forgiveness from my wife for the sin of violating her trust. I don't expect it to come easily -- I don't know if it ever will come at all -- but I have never been more regretful for doing anything in the past than I am for deceiving the woman I love -- the woman around whom my world revolves.

I'm sorry, my love. Please, be graceful, and find it in your heart to forgive me. Somehow. Some day.

I love you.

Joe